


Specks of glass ✵ Kylo Ren

by pandi_lovebooks



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Jedi, Jedi Luke Skywalker, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Sith, Stormtrooper
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 21:52:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18583294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandi_lovebooks/pseuds/pandi_lovebooks
Summary: sciamachy (n.) a battle against imaginary enemies; fighting your shadowUsed to a life of self-blame and shame, Iris decided she would break out of that vicious circle.Not knowing that she would fall right into another.Leaving all that Iris ever knew behind, she embarked on a journey filled with obstacles, hardships, and pain but in the depth of her heart, she knew that she couldn't possibly have stayed._______________





	1. 1. CHAPTER

**Slubberdegulion (n.) a worthless person**

The first thing that greeted me when I opened my eyes was darkness and there was that pungent smell that made my stomach churn in disgust. It was a mixture of alcohol, smoke, and vomit; something I would never get used to.

Only now I noticed the position I was in and I instantly wished I hadn't. I was laying on the ground, faced downwards, and a throbbing pain emitted from my back.

Carefully I tried to move but failed miserably because it felt like thousands of needles were being plunged into my back. Again and again, I tried to get up, tears flowing down my face and I was at the verge of giving up when my hand found the banisters. I swear I've never been more relieved when I felt the smooth wood underneath my palm and I held onto it as if it was my lifeline.

Soft, blue moonlight shone through our window, illuminating the room just enough to see the outline of each step, the couch, a small table in the living room.

The same table I used to play on with my dolls when I was a kid but instead of toys it was now covered with empty bottles.

Regardless of all the time that had passed my eyes welled up with tears and I felt betrayal tug at my heart yet I refused to lose hope, no matter how naive that made me, because deep down, buried underneath, there was this young and caring girl that believed that they didn't want this to happen. That they didn't choose this path.

With an aching heart, I dragged myself upstairs into the bathroom connected to my room. There I locked the door and turned on the light.

Quickly I looked down and allowed my eyes to adjust to the brightness. Once they did I forced myself to look into the mirror. I was disgusted by myself. Bloodshot eyes and tearstained cheeks weren't unusual to see on my unhealthily pale complexion. My disheveled hair was knotty and was that vomit? I shuddered. How can someone look so abhorrent? I nearly didn't dare turn around to examine my wound but it had to be done.

If my face looked bad, my back looked horrifying. My once beige T-shirt was now covered in red-brownish patches due to the dried blood that once oozed out of my injuries. Shattered glass adorned my skin pinning the fabric into the depth of each and every cut.

A pained hiss left my chapped lips as I tried to remove one of the shards. It hurt like hell but sadly there was nothing left for me to do other than treating it the best I possibly could and pray that it wouldn't get infected.

 _Why in god's name did it have to be a damn beer bottle?_ , I thought. Usually, he'd go for his fists and feet. Bruises were easier to cover after all. From my past experience, I've concluded that he found joy in causing me pain.

He wanted to be the one to make me scream out in agony, having me beg for the pain to stop. And everything she ever did was watch.

Sometimes, when it would get too much for her to handle, she'd leave for the bathroom. Minutes later she'd come back and smile down at me gently, sit back down on the couch and enjoy having the toxins flowing through her veins, clouding her senses. But one day something had happened, something that had sparked the hope within me.

 

**I panicked when his foot slammed against my side. My heart was beating way too fast and I was scared that it might just jump out of my chest. But I couldn't do anything about it.**

**I felt paralyzed, I couldn't even speak.**

**His laughter filled the room. Not the laughter I was used to but a twisted one. "Huh? Do you think that was enough?", he taunted but I knew better than to answer, not that I could. His intentions were clear though. He didn't want to stop, not tonight.**

**"I asked you something.", his voice sounded annoyed,**

**"Come on!", anger,**

**"I raised you better than this", distaste,**

**"But maybe... I think I know how to get you to talk"**

**Believe me that I wanted to tell him just how much I loathed him but I was too tired. Hours of torture took their turn on me but what he did next made them seem enjoyable.**

**"Enough", she had whimpered, her bony fingers wrapped around his forearm, "You will kill her." "I wouldn't mind.", he had sneered as his upper lip curled in disdain.**

**The way it had made her feel useless and out of control, something she didn't know she feared up until that moment.**

**Not knowing how to cope with the immense guilt she threw herself into what seemed to be a vicious circle of getting high and falling deeper than she ever was before.**

Sighing I turned on the shower, stripped down and stepped under the lukewarm water.

At first, it stung but after some time the burning vanished. I grabbed what was left of my shampoo and layered my hair with it, desperately trying to get rid of the smell that made me oh so nauseous. My skin turned red when I scrubbed it roughly in a hopeless attempt to remove the feeling of his hand and footprints all over me.

I vied the colors on my body, green, purple, yellow.

Streams of water ran down my body, coloring the floor red and in that very moment, I felt pathetic.


	2. 2. CHAPTER

**Drapetomania (n.) an overwhelming urge to run away**

You know, I had one Friend who knew. Who knew what happened in my home behind closed doors.

Her name was Helen.

She made sure to always remind me of how 'strong' I am and every time she told me that, I smiled gratefully and thanked her when I really felt like scoffing. Don't get me wrong, I loved her but she didn't know how weak I truly was.

I didn't prevent this all from happening. I should have saved them, should have seen it coming. I didn't. And every time he used me as his personal punching bag, I was the one who covered the bruises. Me being ashamed of what my parents did was the reason I wore long sleeved shirts in summer.

Me denying being hurt was me being weak.

If I'd just seek out for help, fight back; then I'd be strong. I'd be strong if I didn't hate myself for their mistakes. But Helen was wrong.

I wore those long-sleeved shirts and I had grown my hair to my breasts so that it would cover my neck and hide my face.

But yesterday I've had enough.

I can bear a lot but yesterday they've pushed me past my limits.

I've had enough of the pain and betrayal I have endured; grown sick of feeling vulnerable.

Hastily I stuffed a pair of grey sweatpants into my backpack.

This was it. After I was done packing I looked around for the last time and left my room.

Determined to take control of my life for once, I sneaked down the stairs. I was used to doing this but today there was more on the line. If I got caught there was a chance that I wouldn't wake up tomorrow but for some reason I wasn't shaking with fear, no, I took every step with an unfamiliar certainty.

Once I reached the bottom of the staircase I held my breath and listened intently. Not a sound was heard and I didn't know if that was calming or frightening to me.

Eager to leave I passed the open passage to the living room and the kitchen. I then stood in front of the door and my heart raced when I lifted my hand to the cool metal, slowly turning the doorknob and tensing up when the door opened with a slight squeak. Stepping outside, I took my time closing it. Not because I was closing the door to my past and letting go of the naive girl I once was but because I didn't want to wake up my father and ruin my chances of getting away.

My pace was fast and steady until I reached an alley a few blocks from my home, that was where I broke into a run.

My legs carried me with a great ache and if it wasn't for the adrenaline pumping through my body I'm sure either my heart or my lungs would've given up.

It was still very early in the morning so the streets were empty with the exception of a handful of people who were busy preparing their booths for the market on an approaching morning. Nobody paid me any attention and I am sure that some of them didn't even acknowledge me running through the badly lit alleyways.

The sky was slowly turning from a cold, frosty blue into a soft and warm orange when I arrived at Helen's simple one family house. The building itself was plain and white but Mrs. Launce had a passion for gardening and therefore the house was decorated with the most exotic and colorful plants, giving their home a cozy and inviting feel.

In secret, I've always envied Helen but now wasn't the time to dwell in thoughts.

I knocked on the faded brown door and fidgeted nervously with my fingers- impatiently. That was until Helen answered the door. "Iris!", she squealed, a wide grin spread out on her dark lips, "What a supri-", I interrupted her by putting my palm onto her mouth, shutting her up, and looking at her with a pleading look.

Helen nodded, clearly having understood what I meant, so I lowered my hand and followed her into the house, as she led me to her room without uttering a single word.

"So what's the matter?", she asked once the door to her spacious room was closed. Only then she saw the backpack that was now laying on her bed, me sitting next to it. "Oh..", she mumbled as realization hit her, "Did he hit you again? Do you want to stay for a bit? Until everything cools down... I know that you're not allowed move out but maybe a break would help."

I just shook my head. "It is not that easy, Helen. Things won't just cool down.", I explained making quotation marks in the air using my hands, "I can't do that anymore. I am just too tired." Somehow saying this out loud was like truly admitting it to myself and that combined with the doleful look in my only friend's eyes made me break down.

Ugly sobs echoed through the air and my shoulders started to shake violently. Helen looked down at me and I couldn't help but see the gaze of a caring mother in her eyes. She was younger than me by three years but when she sat down next to me and moved me so that my head laid in the gape of her neck I felt so small and vulnerable. Maybe I should have been embarrassed but I was too overwhelmed with sadness.

Helen rocked me back and forth like you would do it to a newborn or a small child and that moment felt so intimate. It was the first time we have been like that. And that made the impending parting all the more painful.

Burning hot tears continued to seep down my cheeks and dripped down my chin onto Helens now dampened shirt.

"I am leaving.", I wept, my heart clenching.

"I know."


	3. 3. CHAPTER

**Dépaysement (n.)when someone is taken out or their own familiar world into a new one**

"I also packed you a few sandwiches and a water bottle.", Helen came back to her room, my black backpack in her left hand.

After my little outburst, we had talked about what would happen next. That made me realize how little thought I had put into the entire plan. All that I had focused on was how to get out of there, not on what I'd do once I was.

We came up with a decent idea. First I'd hitchhike to the next big city, Southfall, and there I could try to get a job as a waitress or cashier in some shabby shop. Whatever was hiring.

"Thanks, but you know that you don't have to do this, right?", I smiled at her. I didn't deserve her as a friend.

"Nonsense!", she laughed and shoved the now heavier backpack into my arms, "Oh and I noticed that you only brought like two shirts and trousers and none of them are appropriate for the weather in Southfall so I gave you a few things from my closet." My mouth agape, I stared at the dark-haired girl. "You are impossible!"

She chuckled and shrugged lightheartedly, "I only gave you ugly clothes so don't be too thankful" In response to that I shook my head a smile -a sincere one- on my lips. We were laughing and making jokes when there was a knock on the door. I immediately thought that it were my parents coming to get me but when I looked at Helen she seemed completely oblivious to that idea.

"I think that's my mum.", she smiled and left to let her mother inside. I continued to sit on her bed, fidgeting with the zipper on my backpack. For the first time in a long, long time happiness seemed just an arm's length away. Of course, I was going to miss Helen but she seemed genuinely happy for me, maybe even a little proud. That and I had promised myself to never let anyone degraded me that way again. Little did I know that some promises weren't meant to last.

"Iris, run!", I heard Helens troubled voice sound from downstairs and I instantly rushed to the staircase to see what was going on. In front of Helen's door, stood my father. She was trying to pray the door close but wasn't able to do so since my father had put his foot in the doorway to block it.

His face shot up as he looked me dead in the eyes. Then a cruel smile formed on his ugly face, showcasing his rotten teeth. That smile was supposed to send a message.

Found you.

The moment felt like it could've lasted for minutes but I'm sure that it was only a matter of seconds until I didn't waste any more time looking at him but sprinted back into Helen's room. With hectic movements, I put on my backpack and looked around frantically searching for a way out. I stopped when my eyes found the window and checked if I could jump out of it. Honestly, I wasn't really fond of jumping out of things but since there were plants growing underneath her window I hoped that they would cushion my fall.

Opening it, I climbed onto the windowsill and breathed in before I jumped.

Some people like the sensation that jumping or falling gives them. It feels like freedom they might say. No restrains.

I would have to disagree with that. Falling means having no hold, no control. You are at the mercy of the wind. And that made me anxious. Not having something that I could grasp. Again the moment felt longer than it actually was but when the floor came closer and closer, I felt relieved. The branches of the hedge broke under the sudden impact, making a rather unsettling noise but in regards to the situation I was in at the time, I couldn't have cared less.

Freeing myself from the remaining plant, I started to run again climbing over the fence and jumping out of her garden onto a path covered in gravel.

I raced down that path as fast as I could and arrived at the end of it when I was surprised by my mother standing there, her face void of emotions. Oh no, was my immediate reaction. She would call my dad. God knows how he would punish me or if I would still be alive once he was done.

"Mom.", I breathed scared for my life. She didn't reply. "Mom, d..don't do this. Please.", the begging didn't seem to phase her at all as I continued. "I'm your daughter, mom. You love me. Please, let me go. Let me live."

There was something so desperate about my voice that it almost sounded foreign to me and I could tell that she was affected by it as well because even though her expression was cold, her eyes were troubled. I took a step towards her but she flinched back. I knew that this wasn't easy for her. If she would let me go it was her who'd have to be worried. Father wouldn't kill her. That I knew for sure. But it was crystal-clear that she'd suffer the consequences.

Now it was her decision to make. What was bigger, the fear of her husband or the love for her only child?

After a while, she mumbled, "Two minutes.", and I dashed past her without hesitation.

She had given me two minutes until she would alarm my father so I had to be far away by then. My breaths were short and ragged as my feet carried me away. The streets were filled with people by now. Swarming from location to location.

A few shot some curious glances my way but they didn't bother me. I continued running like that for a while -how long exactly I didn't know- until I saw a man who was trying to hijack a speeder. Without thinking twice I jogged across the street and got into the passenger seat of the vehicle. The guy, who was no older than 25 sat up straight and looked at me shocked. "Keep going.", I hissed.

He eyed me skeptically but continued to work, "What do you think you are doing?", he asked, his voice gruff, demanding an answer. "Get me away from here.", I said my voice not wavering one bit.

"Why?", he asked clearly annoyed that I was interfering with whatever was planning. "That is none of your business but if you don't, good luck dealing with the authorities" Sighing he ran his fingers through his dirty blonde hair mumbling incoherent words under his breath. "Okay.", was his curt response and I was just about to thank him when he started the engine and we bolted forwards. The sudden movement came unexpectedly and I groaned when my back got pressed into the seat.

There we go.


	4. 4. CHAPTER

**Boketto (n.) the act of gazing vacantly into the distance without thinking**

The soft humming sound of the engine was the one thing that filled the silence between the stranger and me. I looked at the scenery and watched it morph into a beautiful unspoiled countryside. Nothing like the many buildings and littered streets of my home town.

The sun was slowly setting, casting a warm, golden light onto the landscape before us.

"Thank you", I murmured still looking outside. A humorless chuckle left the strangers mouth, "What was I supposed to do? You blackmailed me." "I guess I did... still thanks."

After that, the atmosphere felt awkward so I was tried to come up with a new topic. "Where are we going?", was my weak attempt at making conversation. "Heading East.", his reply was short, signaling to me that he didn't want to talk but I still tried regardless. "Is there any specific reason for that?"

He let out a long audible breath before he started talking. "The Resistance. I want to join the resistance and I heard that there might be someone who can tell me where I can find them."

I didn't actually expect an answer right away and that he brought up politics was just as unexpected thus, I turned to face him. He was wearing a dark grey linen shirt that seemed to enhance his warm skin tone well. "How come? I mean... why do you want to join them?" The mysterious, vehicle hijacking stranger had sparked my interest. Why would someone want to put their life on the line? There had to be a personal reason behind that.

"My parents are divorced.", he paused debating with himself if it was a good idea to tell me, "I lived with my father but my sister lives with my mom. I love her to death." He had an adoring smile on his face when talking about his sister and it was the first time that I had seen him this relaxed. "She is only thirteen.", his posture returned to tense and the smile that adorned his face seconds ago was gone, "And then there were the first incidents with Kylo Ren. I don't want anything like that to happen to her."

The amount of emotion that he had delivered in these few sentences was overwhelming to me. First the unconditional love for his sister, then the way he had talked about Kylo Ren... his voice laced with hate, poison dripping from his every word. And then there was worry, maybe even fear, when thinking that his sister could experience misfortune at the hand of him.

"What incidents?"

"Are you serious?", he was beyond shocked. The way he had stared at me made me shift uncomfortably in my seat. I was embarrassed that I was oblivious to apparently such important matters. Should I have pretended to know what he was talking about?

"I am not really up to date with politics and stuff... Isn't Kylo Ren a commander and master of the Knights for the first order or something like that?"

He continued to stare at me with disbelieve and for a second I was worried about us crashing into something but then he went back to look at the road. "I can't believe this.", he stated, "Where have you been for the past years? Living under a freaking rock?"

I rubbed my wrist and looked at my lap shyly, "I have been kind of occupied for the past years."

"Occupied? Sounds more like you were held hostage.", he joked and I had to compose myself so that I wouldn't give away how his words had hit me where it hurts, "How old are you anyway?"

"I turned twenty a few days ago. Now, please tell me what I've missed. It's clearly important"

"Alright... Where do I start? Beginning of this year Kylo Ren became supreme leader somehow and now they are flying from planet to planet, recruiting children for the first order. Everyone who doesn't give him his child voluntarily gets killed. It has been going like that for a few months now."

"I..I don't know how to respond to that." All this information was seriously giving me a headache. After that, we returned to sitting in silence but this time around it was comfortable.

The night sky was dark blue and glittering with brilliant stars. I was absorbed by the beauty of it when his voice sounded, "We're there."

I nodded and got out of the speeder. It was a small city with very few skyscrapers and most buildings didn't look clean. I followed him into the city always a step behind him.

Red neon lights illuminated the spooky alleyways and drunk people stumbled around. "I don't like this place.", I stated quietly when an older man looked me up at down. "You could always wait by the speeder.", he proposed. "And be left alone in this area?", I quirked a brow of mine at him. "Makes sense... Stay close then, will you?", he responded and I smiled and nodded at him.

We continued to walk until we were in front of a run-down bar called "lilac's limit". Loud music could be heard on the street and when we stepped inside the smell of liquor and smoke engulfed me. At the bar sat someone the guy I had traveled with seemed to recognize. He tugged at my hand, guiding me towards the counter. "That's him."

Once we had made our way through the mass of sweating bodies we wanted to approach the resistances' informant but stopped dead in our tracks when the man's head slipped off his shoulders falling onto the floor.


	5. 5. CHAPTER

**sonder (n.) the realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own**

Screams pierced the air and all the people in 'lilac's limit' ran towards the exit. A group of stormtroopers stood over the man's dead body, pointing weapons at us. I slowly took a few steps backward. "We have to get out of here!", I decided, promptly took his hand and pulled him with me. Everyone was pushing others out of their way and we had to dodge the bullets the troopers seemed to aimlessly shoot at the crowd. My heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

We barely made it out of there but when we proceeded to dash back to our stolen speeder there were stormtroopers at the end of the street. We were encircled by them and they were herding us together as dogs would with sheep.

Desperate to escape we smashed our fists against doors, trying to get into a building but no avail. "Oh no...", I breathed out when my back hit someone else's. I quickly whipped around and saw that all of us were now standing on one spot, surrounded. Everyone was shaking with fear. Some people were crying.

There was a woman next to me. She held onto her husband's hand, on her knees, crying. "My baby.", she was screaming and you could hear her heart shattering into a thousand shards, "They are taking my baby"

I still held onto my companion's hand, giving it a squeeze. "You never told me your name.", I stated randomly.

"It's David. Yours?"

"Iris"

A stormtrooper in silver armor stepped forward and spoke with a voice distorted to sound robotic, "Step forward one by one. No questions and don't talk unless asked to."

I gulped nervously, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. One stepped forward after another and it was pretty obvious what was going to happen. The people sorted to the left were older than the ones on the right. Injured ones were also sent to stand to the left. I just assumed that everyone on the left was going to be executed and that the ones on the right had a vast chance of survival.

The woman who was still silently crying for her child was the next in line but she didn't step forward, instead, she remained on her knees her hands pressed to the place her heart would be. The silver stormtrooper didn't wait nor did it repeat the order. It simply shot her and kicked her corpse out of the circle the other troopers had formed around us. I gasped but stepped forward regardless. It was my turn.

My steps were shaky but I held my head high. The one in command eyed me warily. "Age.", it demanded. "Twenty." My answer was short and didn't give my voice the time to quiver but I was sure that any other sound and my voice would break.

I could hear my pulse. It was throbbing incredibly loud against my skull and I held my breath.

"Right.", the silver one dismissed and I quickly walked to join the smaller group, not giving them a chance to change their mind. I didn't even look at the others. Now I was sorely focused on David. He looked oddly calm and it made me worry. Please don't do anything stupid, I pleaded in my mind.

His eyes met mine and I shook my head. "No", I mouthed. David just smiled reassuringly. Then he stepped forward. "Long live the resistance!!", he screamed proudly and others from the left group started to join him, praising the Orders opponent.

I didn't know what happened next. If it was my scream or someone else's. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't tell you when exactly the bullet had hit his head or whose arms prevented me from running towards his lifeless body.

Chaos broke loose. People started attacking the troopers. Troopers started shooting. All that I remembered was that my group was quickly ushered into a silver shuttle parked on the next street. Then they closed the gate and we took off. Suddenly a bit lethargic and drowsy I sat down and leaned against the wall of the shuttle, my black backpack serving as a pillow that seemed to have stayed with me throughout this whole crazy day.

I tried to fight it but my eyes fluttered close and sleep took over me. Too much had happened today and I could only hope that it in actuality it was only all a horrible dream.

But it wasn't.

I woke up to someone tugging on the sleeve of my shirt. "Hey, they told us to get into a line.", it was the soft voice of a young woman. She had probably been in the club as well, judging by the short golden skirt and the heels she was wearing. Her hair had a vibrant shade of red that made me wonder if she had dyed it. "We will probably arrive soon."

I smiled at her thankfully and she smiled just as bright in return as we went to get in line with everyone else. "I am Iris.", the whisper was directed to the pretty redhead that had helped me earlier. It could be useful to have a friend here, was the idea behind it and because she had been kind enough to wake me up before a stormtrooper got the chance to, she seemed like the perfect candidate. "I'm Anuja Morris, no, actually it's Anuja Green." I looked at her quizzically. "You know, Iris, this evening was my bachelorette's party. I would have gotten married next week. My man was at the shooting today as well. He got killed. I think he would've wanted me to carry his name."

I took her hand in mine, not knowing how else I could express that I felt sorry for what had happened today and for a swift moment my thoughts went back to the mother that was crying about the loss of her child. The one they had killed.

"You look like you'd be too young for marriage.", I said carefully but it was true. Anuja looked like she'd be 19 at most.

Luckily she wasn't angry with me for bringing up her wedding. On the contrary, Anuja smiled in memory of her dreams. The ones that had been destroyed only a few hours ago. It was astonishing to me how positive she was. Always looking straight ahead.

"Oh, you know what they say about young love... It makes one act on impulses. But my love for Phillip was real. Enough about me.", she suddenly decided.

"What about you? Why were you there? You don't look like it was because you wanted to celebrate."

It was true. The other girls were wearing miniskirts and dresses, very few wore tight jeans with revealing tops. I, on the other hand, was wearing light grey sweats that had patches of dirt all over them from my stunt at Helen's earlier and a dark blue long-sleeved shirt that had a small hole in the side from a branch of the hedge I had jumped onto.

Helen.. I wondered how she was doing. Was she worried? No, she couldn't be. She probably thought that I was in Southfall, unpacking my little belongings into a shelf of my new, smelly apartment.

"I was just traveling with a friend.", was my reply and even though I could tell that Anuja didn't believe me but she didn't push it any further.


End file.
